The three Cs

FROM ISSUE # 122 (February 2006) | IN THIS ISSUE
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Back again, after eight days of reflection, contemplation and meditation, something every Father does every year and something very helpful to any counsellor! Now, we go on to help our troubled readers:

I'm a Grade 10 student in love with a girl in my class. I know she loves me but I don't have the guts to express my feelings. What should I do? - Bikash Agrawal
Bikash, you now know how important it is to communicate clearly with a girl you like. It is always a risk to tell someone how you feel—but a risk worth taking. There are only three possible replies (well, at least three): yes, no or maybe (sometimes we also get things like silence, a laugh or "you must be kidding"!). In any case, good luck!

I'm a 16-year-old in love with my teacher's daughter. She loves me but wants to back off as she's a Newar and I'm a Brahmin. She says we shouldn't be 'more than friends'. My friends say I should forget her and focus on the SLC exams. - PunkMonk aka Prince of Hell
Well, PunkMonk (like that name!), you have two issues here: caste and concentration. As for the former, you can't change your caste—and it is hard to change others' attitude about the differences. I suspect that either this is a reason or an excuse for not going any further in the relationship. As for concentration, it is difficult to think of two things at once! So why not do it in turns and decide when you will work on your studies and when you will think about your relationship. Some of my own kids have done this successfully, no reason why you can't either!

My boyfriend is upset because my best friend is a guy. Whenever I talk about my friend, my boyfriend tells me, "Is it me or him that you love?" Should I stop talking about my friend with him? - Drn gurl
You bet, no male likes to spend his time listening to someone talking about someone else! Especially if that someone else is another boy! When with someone, it is a good idea to talk about the relationship first, then anything else. No reason why we can't care deeply about more than one person (otherwise, I would be in trouble!).

I'm 17 and have a cute girlfriend. But I've been out on a date with her only once. I want to date her again but she has a problem with that. - Arpan Walahang
Hey, Arpan, dating is not all that common here in Nepal—though more in KTM. Still, a date means both want it, so both have to agree. And there are all kinds of dates, hoina? Everything from Bakery Cafe to a day in the park...

I'm a 16-year-old guy in love with a Gurung girl since five years. She hasn't reciprocated. We are of different castes. Please help! - Robinson, Chitwan
Boy, Robinson, who knows why someone likes/does not like someone else?! We can't tell them, "Love me or I'll break your arm" but we can let someone know we are interested in them and hope they will begin to feel the same—but we can't either predict or force it. They have to be free to respond or not; forced love is false love.

Her sister said she loved me but because of my friends, I don't think she likes me now. Help! - Swarnim Pradhan
Swarnim, sounds as if someone is playing with your feelings. Of course, girls like attention—more than boys, normally—so any kind of attention is welcome. The more, the merrier! It is up to you to decide how far you want to go. You can always back out. It is what you decide that counts, not what someone wants or expects of you.

I got into an argument with my boyfriend. Though the reason was stupid, I ended up slapping him. I feel very bad as he's avoiding me. How do I apologise? - Wonky
Wonky (is that a name?), wow, talk about the direct approach (a good slap)! No doubt about what you were feeling then! Still, that was non-verbal communication, not verbal; so now is the time to explain what that slap meant! It was just the way you felt then, not necessarily now. If you can get that across, you should be able to move on. In the future, keep your hands in your pockets while talking!

He was a very good friend in Class 10 and we liked each other. My friends started joining our names together, so he started ignoring me. Now we are in different colleges. I want to be his friend again. - Shreya Shrestha
Hi, Shreya. Now that you are in different places, you can relax and decide where you want to go with the relationship. Take your time, you have more space, and make those decisions you need to take. Don't forget the C-words: Communicate Clearly and Concisely.

We study in Class XI. I'm crazy about her. My friends suggested I propose, so I wrote her a letter. She rejected me. What can I do? - Ganesh
Ganesh, sounds like really strong feelings, normal for someone in Class XI. About time to notice and begin to care for someone of the opposite sex. Notes are a start but eventually we need to talk face-to-face. Don't forget to use the 'I' messages, not just 'you' ones (eg, "I want you to know what I feel; I don't know what you feel," etc).

We were in love and everything was perfect until our parents found out. Her mother warned me from meeting her, and my mother said the same to her. Now, she's avoiding me. I feel empty without her. - Jenny, Pokhara
Jenny in Pokhara, there is love and there is love. It goes in stages and has its ebb and flow. Some loves are for now, some for later, and some forever. The first love need not be the 'forever love'. It may just be an introduction to the possibility of loving even better later on. We all want it to be for good, forever, and so on, but love does not always work that way. We can go from love to love, learning how to love as we go along. And yes, it is lonely when things are not so clear. The more we can solve the mystery, the less lonely we will be. Good luck!

I'm in grade 10. I've had a crush on this girl since eighth grade. She's from Koshi and I'm from Mechi; we only meet twice or thrice a year. I think she knows about my feelings. I'm afraid if she finds another guy while I'm away…I can't tell her I love her either? - Kool
Kool (kool name!), yes, there is always the risk that, if we tell someone how we feel about him/her, we may not get the reply we want. That is one of the many risks of love! But it is worth the risk, don't you think? The idea is not to 'come on too heavy,' as they say; that is, don't overwhelm the other person with your feelings. S/he would not know how to handle it and may react defensively or ambiguously. No one likes to be threatened—even by love!

We talked in chat-rooms and on the phone. After I knew she liked me, I proposed; she accepted. But our relationship lasted only a week. She dumped me for no reason. I don't know what to do. - da'evil addict
Da'evil addict, meeting in cyberspace or on the phone is very different from meeting in person! Once you are face-to-face, that can be scary. No wonder there is confusion between the two of you. There is still room to sort things out but do it gently and without force. If the reply is still negative or what you need, well, you can always move on.

I'm a Class XI Science student in love with a girl in the Commerce stream. She's my first love. I don't know how to speak to her. I'm nervous. - Rohit Chitrakar
Rohit-ji, good for you! Having strong feelings for someone else is scary; no wonder you feel nervous! So would anyone in the same situation. The unknown is always frightening. And that is what love is: a journey into the unknown. The only way to go from the unknown to the known, of course, is to communicate, which is a risk. Nervousness is a feeling but not an excuse for not doing so.

I'm a college girl in Chitwan. I met a Kathmandu guy in a chat-room, who proposed to me. I accepted. I don't have any reason to go to Kathmandu and he cannot come here as he stays in a hostel. How can we meet? - Simon
Simon, I had to read carefully, to see if you were a boy or a girl! Now that that is settled, we can move on to your situation. Being separated and only connected by chat or phone makes having a healthy relationship difficult. If both of you want to keep the connection, you need to decide, together, how you intend to do this; eventually, if it is to grow and be healthy, personal contact will be necessary. Distant relationships tend to be just that: distant!

That is about it for this time. For those of you who are just discovering the joys and challenges of caring for someone besides yourself, don't give up. Don't forget the three Cs!

Send your questions at oasis@wavemag.com.np to LV Brooks, SJ. He has decades of experience in counselling and is the guidance counsellor at St Xavier's College.