High school sweethearts

Growing up or growing out?

by AARTI BASNYAT

FROM ISSUE # 122 (February 2006) | IN THIS ISSUE
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ANUP PRAKASH

February is for romantics with Valentine's Day smack in the middle of the month. At Young Ideas forum, a group of young, idealistic, opinionated and liberal Nepalis gathered to discuss high school relationships.

Participants were: Haushala Thapa, 19, of St Xavier's College, been in a relationship for years; Unika Shrestha, 19, of Budhanilkantha School, been in an on-and-off relationship for seven years (currently 'on'); Anne Shrestha, 18, of Rato Bangala School, not in a relationship; Kriti Tibrewal, 18, of Kathmandu Medical College, was in a relationship for two years but broke up a year ago; Astik Sherchan, 19, of Rato Bangala, is jaded by the bad relationships he's seen; Nayan Pokharel, 19, of Budhanilkantha School, not in a relationship; and Karishma Karki, 18, of Kathmandu Medical College, also not in a relationship.

Excerpts:

Do you think high school relationships last?

Annie Shrestha

ANNE: Can't really say they do. I've seen some that have and some that haven't. It depends on the individuals involved. For instance, a cousin of mine has been with her guy since class 10 and they are now together in Australia. Their relationship has lasted almost a decade but I have other cousins who have been in and out of relationships.
HAUSHALA: If you want it to last, it will.
UNIKA: If you generalise, I suppose so. High school relationships don't always last but there are exceptions.

Astik Sherchan

Why do you think most high school relationships don't last?
(Everyone had much to say but the main points focussed on ambition, career, family, caste and distance)
ASTIK: Girls grow up faster while boys remain immature for a long time. Girls start looking for long-term prospects and careers, leaving their guys behind.
(The girls express disagreement)
UNIKA: It's usually the guy's fault. When you turn 17 or after SLC, the guy wants more. They want to 'explore', whereas girls value dignity. (Everyone laughs)

Haushala Thapa

ASTIK: It's the opposite, girls want to spread their wings. In high school, girls are interested in sportsmen, later, they fall for intellectuals. They say 'Okay, I've had enough of looks, now I need someone with brains'.
KRITI to ASTIK: I think you watch too many movies.
NAYAN: I disagree. High school relationships are different. Most girls in high school don't like being single, they fall in love because they want a boyfriend.
ANNE: I've seen girls who do that but not all of them.
HAUSHALA: I was in a relationship when my friends weren't and that was cool.

Nayan Pokharel

NAYAN: Ok, the first few relationships are genuine but later it's like 'she has a boyfriend, so I need one'.
ANNE: That's not true. All my friends are in relationships but I don't feel the need. It was never about popularity. I am not going out in search of a relationship but I am open to the idea.
UNIKA: I think at a certain stage everyone wants a boyfriend. They look at their friends, 'oh she's so happy and going la la la'. They want that feeling too.
KARISHMA: The emphasis is at that stage. Later, priorities change.

Karishma Karki

ASTIK: Karishma agrees with what I'm saying. Girls don't want to fool around when they grow up and guys don't want to move on.
NAYAN: Even guys go through that stage, it might take longer.

So you think girls ditch guys because they move on to greener pastures after school? What about boys?
ANNE: I have seen guys in their first relationship. They are very committed but once they get heartbroken they turn into flirts.
ASTIK: Guys think they are committed and serious but they don't take it seriously. In high school you think you are in love but do everything to annoy her. You make her so unhappy, believing you are a great boyfriend. That's not love.
(All the girls agree.)

Unika Shrestha

UNIKA: Guys love girls but they want other things too. They willingly cheat. What's with that?
HAUSHALA: My guy cheated on me but that didn't end the relationship. We broke up but he apologised, and I asked him to prove it. If I had left him, he wouldn't have had the chance to change. I saw beyond a cheater, I saw a friend who needed me. It was his mess but I helped him clean it up.
ASTIK: To all girls—don't be an angel! Don't try to change your boyfriends. Guys are dependent; girls have this need to mother. The more you allow it to happen, the more guys will take advantage.

Kriti Karki

Why do you think boys and girls resort to emotional blackmail?
KRITI: Girls resort to emotional blackmail for petty things but guys do it for serious reasons. A guy will cheat and beg for a second chance threatening to become an alcoholic or a drug addict. If a girl does the same, the guy usually walks away.
HAUSHALA: Yes, they won't look back.
UNIKA: Boys mess up but won't break up with you. They won't even tell it to your face but rather through their friends.
ASTIK: Guys are dependent on their mothers while growing up. Later, they look at females as mother-figures who will look after them and cater to their demands.

Is it easy to move on after a break-up?
UNIKA: Girls won't really move on but learn to accept it. Guys don't accept it.
ASTIK: It becomes an ego thing for guys, they find it hard to let go. I have a close friend who keeps trying to break up with her boyfriend but he just won't accept it. He keeps saying 'but you will come back to me, right?'

You say that when a guy cheats, it's more physical. What about when a girl cheats?
NAYAN: In most relationships, the guy cheats. Girls just dump one guy for another.
HAUSHALA: Guys love their first girlfriends but why they want more is beyond me.
KRITI: They don't think they are doing anything wrong when they cheat.
HAUSHALA: When the girlfriend finds out, they let go of the other girl.
NAYAN: People talk about commitment but it's also to do with freedom. Guys have all the time to pursue other girls. This makes it easier for them to cheat.

So, the bottom-line is?
ASTIK: You need to be certain when you make a commitment. If it's to last, you have to grow it together; the relationship must change.
UNIKA: You should know what you want in a relationship. If you can work it out, it will last. Also, it depends on how willing you are to compromise.
KARISHMA: I've never seen it last.
NAYAN: Unika's relationship will last but that's an exception. Relationships depend
on ages and stages.