Begin with yourself first

FROM ISSUE # 167 (November 2009) | IN THIS ISSUE
	REFER TO FRIEND		PRINT THIS ARTICLE

Life's a rolling stone and I am trying to be what I am. But despite being what I am, I am feeling too impulsive and restless about myself. Love is a taboo for me. I do have feelings for the opposite sex but I am not a true heterosexual. Though my looks and behaviour are totally hetero-stereotype, I am attracted to males. The problem is, I am being forced into marrying a girl but I can't imagine a life with her. I know all about gay life in Nepal. But I am unable to convince my family or community that this is right for me. Boys like me are discriminated against and stigmatised if their secrets come out... what should I do?
Manav, Bhaktapur 

Dear Manav,
It is a bit difficult to reply to you because we do not know much about you; your age, background, education, etc. You sound thoroughly confused and not able to clearly say what you want to say.  You need to coordinate with someone who will listen to you and talk to you, plus begin to take care of you so that you can come to grips with your situation. Sexual orientation can be confusing, fine, but how to live it out is even more so. You need to accept who and what you are now and work from there. You sound like you are being rather hard on yourself, and are discriminating against yourself first. Self-acceptance comes before self-expression. It does not help to blame society for one's own situation.
 
I completed my +2 with aggregate marks of 69 per cent in Science. Knowing that I could've done a lot better than what I have achieved, I'm little disappointed with my marks. I was good at school but due to different problems like apartment rent and city life in general, my studies have deteriorated. Nevertheless, I have to go on with my studies because my parents and siblings have placed their hopes in me. But nowadays, I am not able to focus. What should I do to get back onto a good track? Do you think I should go for an engineering course? I want to take up architectural engineering since I'm good at art and drawing. I'm planning to stay in a hostel for my bachelor's degree. Will it help?
Dilemma boy

Dear Dilemma Boy,
You are definitely not the first to find both study and life in the city unsettling! It is not always easy to combine the two. They tend to intrude upon one another, but there is no need to blame city life for poor grades; it just makes things more challenging. We cannot advise you what to study, of course, as we do not know you. It is up to you to decide what is best for you: study, city life, hostel, etc. The best thing is to choose what is best for you, and only you can know what that is. What will make you both happy and satisfied is what counts. No need to make yourself miserable or try to blame something outside of yourself for something felt personally.
  
My 18-year-old brother is a drug abuser and even though it has clearly ruined his life, he has no regrets whatsoever regarding his habit. He says that it is his own life and that he should be allowed to do whatever he wants to. When my parents and relatives try to rid him off this habit he asks them to not pity him. The life he has chosen for himself is not as easy as he thinks. Please help him.
Sujan

Dear Sujan,
Most addicts we have worked with use this argument to avoid having to do something about their addiction. It is a form of defence for them. This way, they do not have to make the necessary changes in their lives in order to live more healthily. Once addicted, one is addicted, in some way, for life. We are not cured, but we can get better. Some people prefer the word 'heal' rather than 'cure' when talking about addictions. No amount of argument will make an addict change, but everyone wants to be happy and free, so the emphasis is on what he can do to exit from his addiction and live a more satisfying life. It is not that easy, but neither is addiction and its consequences.