ATTITUDES AND CHANGE

FROM ISSUE # 159 (March 2009) | IN THIS ISSUE
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I love a girl very much and she has the same feelings for me. But she recently confessed that she had sex with another boy few months back. She says it was forced. According to her, they were in a hotel room together when the boy forced her to be naked and kissed her body. Ever since I got to know this, it has been bothering me but I don't want to lose her. I'm in dilemma as to what I should do. Since I can't let go of neither the girl or the negative feelings I have towards the situation, what should I do? Keetan

Dear Keetan,
It is unusual for a girl to confess such a thing and usually they say they were forced to do what they said they did. Obviously, you both need to sit down together and work this thing out, especially the meaning of what happened. Sometimes, this sort of revelation is a way of changing or even ending a relationship. You need to clarify this with her.

I am 21 years old and have been in a relationship for six months, after which my girlfriend when to USA. Before she left she use to tell me that she loved me a lot and will miss me and will come back as soon as she can or that I should come to the United States. But these days, she makes me question her feelings when she says we don't know what might happen in the future and that I might meet someone else. We still talk online and on the phone but I have a feeling she's changing. I am preparing to go abroad to study as well and want to be with her in the future. My friends say everyone changes once they go to USA as they have their own life going on there. I listen to all this and it confuses me all the more. Please advise me if I should carry on with this relationship. What if she has changed too? Does everyone change after they go to USA? Helpless

Dear Helpless,
Your issue is far from unique. In 40 years of counselling, I have seen this happen very often. Once abroad, students begin to experience new pressures stimuli and doubts. What made sense in Nepal does not have the same meaning abroad. This is true for married people as well. Do not be surprised if her thoughts and feelings are undergoing a change.  This does not mean that the relationship is at fault, it may just be a stage in the relationship. A true relationship will be able to weather this storm. 

My problem concerns money. Besides not being able to save a penny, I am constantly in debt. I try to control my spending and save but I fail. Can you suggest ways I could have a decent amount of savings? I basically spend on branded cloths and clubbing. I am sick of using my credit card. Please teach me how to get rid of this habit . Wild

Dear Wild,
There are many strategies for managing one's finances, one of which is budgeting. The real question about your spending is the compulsion you have to spend on things. This may be due to low self-esteem, loneliness, lack of purpose or focus in your life, etc. Most compulsions and or obsessions stem from this. Begin with yourself and then work out a system of saving.

Send you problems to wave[at]himalmedia.com. Your problems will be answered by LV Brooks. SJ who has decades of experience in counselling and has worked as a guidance counsellor at St Xavier's. Along with Sirjana Singh who has been working as a professional counsellor for over seven years.