Cultural Crisscross

by KONG YEN LIN

FROM ISSUE # 158 (February 2009) | IN THIS ISSUE
	REFER TO FRIEND		PRINT THIS ARTICLE

IMAGES: KONG YEN LIN Rashmi & Pieter

When International Relations student Kyoko Shirayama first set foot in Nepal five years ago, she was irresistibly drawn to the country's serene tableaus of village life.

"I felt like I wanted to spend my whole life here," says the adventurous 24-year-old who has since graduated and is waiting to start school at Tribhuban University. "The bleak and nostalgic houses, traditional cultural costumes and greenery in the villages and the contrasting pollution of the cities, intrigues me," she says.

But something else, other than Nepali culture, captured her heart. She had been dating Gagan Kunwar, 25, a carpet businessman, in a long distance relationship for four years before she decided to settle down in Nepal with him.

They are part of a new generation of young people in Nepal who are meeting, dating and marrying partners across cultural backgrounds.  Cosmopolitan, well educated and widely travelled, they are radically redefining traditional institutions of marriage and family and forging new social norms of inclusion.

"Influences of capitalism, westernisation and massive migration streams have given rise to an urban culture where young Nepalis are acquiring more liberal value systems transcending custom and tradition," said Mahesh Baskota, a Professor at Kathmandu University. Hailing from different cultural backgrounds, Kyoko and Gagan's relationship is a mixed bag.

Recalling a time when their differences were most accentuated, Kyoko said: "Once I overturned Gagan's shoes out of goodwill so that it wouldn't be soaked in rainwater, but he was furious."

"Apparently Nepalis believe that it's bad luck," she chuckled. Being the only granddaughter, it was a difficult choice for Kyoko to leave her hometown in Akita, Japan, but technology like the internet has made her absence easier. "I write an online diary to keep my friends and family updated," she says.

Besides, both admit to being polar opposites in terms of personality. While the idea of fun for Gagan, an adrenaline junkie, is jogging 18km twice a week at Bungamati and scaling peaks, Kyoko enjoys a laidback afternoon of watching movies and drawing.

But despite their differences, they are determined to make the union work. One way is making an effort to learn and speak each others languages.

Jasmine and Pasang

Though marriage may be on the cards, Kyoko stresses that there must be consent and celebration from both families for their union. They have yet to meet each other's parents and Kyoko's parents were impassive about the relationship when she broached the topic. "But we're not in a hurry because marriage is just paperwork and we're already living life like a married couple. It will also take time for both of our families to accept each other," she told WAVE.

"I feel that one marries not for ones parents but for oneself," adds Gagan, "Ultimately it's your own life and if you love him/her, you should go for it." Yet in most cases the very challenge of cross-cultural relationships lie in social perception and how two families look upon each other.

Says 25-year-old Rashmi Thapa who married a Belgian husband Pieter De Schepper: "It's tough sometimes when we meet other people and they don't look upon our union very well because, traditionally, a Nepali girl should marry a Nepali man within the same caste. At our engagement, my relatives were satirically passing comments but luckily my parents were supportive. When I spoke to my dad, he said all that mattered was that we believe in ourselves and that they trusted me."

Rashmi and Pieter met in Uganda two years ago while volunteering for an NGO and decided to tie the knot after Rashmi returned to Nepal and started to work as a Child Protection Coordinator at an INGO, Search For Common Ground.

"I don't think it was the fact that we were from different cultures but rather the fact that we shared the same level of understanding and the same kind of career aspirations that sparked off the attraction," said the eloquent career woman.  However, she has yet to meet his family and they are planning to have another wedding in Belgium.

Kyoko & Gagan

Jasmine Ng, a Singaporean who has been married to Pasang Namgyal Lama, a Nepali, for eight years, feels that it may be helpful for newlyweds to live away from their parents during the initial years of marriage. "There will be less friction and chances of cultural clash," said the mother of three, "But fortunately, the expectations of a foreign daughter-in-law is lower than a Nepali one. They would not expect me to follow their cultural norms," said Jasmine, whose husband is Tamang.

Communication between him and her parents was also a challenge as they couldn't speak English. But it helped that Pasang had spent time in Singapore while studying in Bible College and the ice was broken during their first meeting.

It also helps for couples in cross cultural relationships to experience living in each other's home country. Singaporean Tan Shu Eng, 48, had lived and worked in Nepal for close to a decade before tying the knot with a Nepali.

"Before getting married, you should come and see Nepal for yourself and meet the family. Nepal has been marketed as a mystical and nostalgic place and people tend to have idealistic fantasies about it, but it is still very traditional," she says. "Moreover when you meet the family, you'll get to understand your future spouse in a better context."

Despite the possibilities of second generational cultural and language loss, cross cultural couples are optimistic. For Yasmine Rana, a French fashion designer at Yasmine's Boutique in Darbar Marg who wedded a Nepali, treating others with respect and humanity is the best tradition that she feels could be handed down to her 22-year-old daughter. "There have been compromises made in our union, but we've synthesised new dynamics out of it," she adds.

Besides missing out on festival and religious rituals, Jasmine and Pasangs' children are also unable to speak their parents' dialects– Hokkien and Tamang respectively.

But the couple has never looked back on being together. "Marrying cross culturally in such a diverse country like Nepal has enriched me not only linguistically but also in terms of lifestyle," says Jasmine.
"Culture is not always the issue and should not be made the scapegoat when things go wrong," she adds, "Sometimes it's more about personality and habits."