I am 21 years old and self-employed. I am in love with a girl of the same age who is working as well. I don't believe in the caste system so didn't think much of it when I got closer to her. But my family does and didn't accept our relationship. I feel responsible for my parents and grandparents and don't want to hurt them, so we decided to break up. But a week later we started talking again because I didn't want to let her go. I have responsibilities but I love her a lot. Should I go against my family or should we go our separate ways?
D
Dear D,
The caste system was set up a long time ago. Originally, it was a social system but was given legitimacy by saying that it was the way God wanted things to be–and who wants to fight against God? You are responsible to your parents, not necessarily for them. This is one of life's challenges and choices which means that no matter what you choose, someone is going to feel bad. What counts is what goes into the choice and decision. And every choice or decision involves not only the choice but also being ready to work with the consequences. If you made a decision and then say that you don't want the consequences, you are fooling yourself. Whatever choice you make, if you are willing to deal with its consequences, you have made a good choice.
My friend and I have a difference of opinion on a particular issue, which I think is of great importance to students. My friend says that we should select a subject that comes with a job guarantee, good pay cheque and a wide demand. But I oppose this statement and say that our motive behind subject selection should not be the salary or the market demand. If we are passionate about the subject, no matter how little the scope, we should take the road less travelled. So why should we go after a traced path and rely upon the market demand, which in itself is a fluctuating mechanism?
Aparna Singh
Dear Aparna,
Both sides are correct. If you can choose a career which brings job guarantee, good pay and gives you a good reputation, you are lucky indeed. However, when I counsel other kids about their career choices, I always ask them, "Will you be happy doing that for the next 40 years?" Many of them only look at the benefits– few look at their happiness. There is no written law for everyone; each has to make that decision him/herself. In the end, it is not only what we choose that is important but also why we choose it.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years now. We want to become sexually active but it's very embarrassing to go to the store to buy condoms. I'm always afraid we will see someone we know and that they will tell our parents or that the cashier will looks at us with some sort of condemnation for buying a condom. Isn't using a condom smarter than having unprotected sex? Why do people always like to make us feel ashamed? How can we get closer in our relationship without worrying about the nosy people around us?
Concerned
Dear Concerned,
The question is not essentially about condoms but about the decision to become sexually active. This has many meanings, of course, but the bigger question is why you think it's necessary for your relationship. Sex by itself does not make a relationship secure; a lot more is involved in it. Sure, in our society, there are few secrets and anyone buying condoms will almost automatically get quizzical looks from people. But family is quite a different matter, as they feel very protective about you. They also know the consequences of unprotected sex and the further dimension of what sex is for and about. Sex is an activity, but it does not necessarily cement a relationship. We need to keep sex in context and not use it either as a tool or just a need.
Send your questions to: wave[at]himalmedia.com. LV Brooks, SJ has decades of experience in couselling and has worked as the guidance counsellor at St. Xavier's college.
