TO RELATE OR NOT TO RELATE

FROM ISSUE # 153 (September 2008) | IN THIS ISSUE
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I am a girl of 17 years and I am dating a sweet and caring boy. We met t hrough mutual friends who were dating each other. We happened to go to the same college and after a while he proposed and we started going out. I used to think that we were a perfect couple but six months after we started dating he suddenly stopped calling me. I called him and asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had problems at college for which his father was called in. After that we continued like before but this time he didn't call or come to meet me like he used. When I do call him he is romantic but when I ask him out on a date he says he is with his friends and isn't free. I have a feeling he has moved on but when he talks to me on the phone he still tells me that he loves me. I am so confused I don't know what to do. Please help.
Confused Gurl

Dear Confused,
It is easy to see why you are confused, considering your boyfriend's behaviour. You need to be able to talk to him openly about the situation of your relationship. There are two sides to every story so you can decide what you want/need to do for this relationship but give him space to come clean. If you use "I" messages more than "You" messages, you will have more success. Let him know about your confusion, without accusing him of anything, and ask him to be clear about where he stands in terms of your relationship. You know by now that words alone do not do the trick. Good luck, and stay grounded!

I am 18 years old and have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My boyfriend is a gem of a person and I am confident that he loves me. We are both in the process of going abroad to study soon. The other day he suggested that we take our relationship to the next level by getting physical. He says it's the natural thing to do since we are both sure that we want to be together eventually. I love him and don't want to offend him but I don't think I am ready. I am scared that if I tell him this he is going to feel rejected which I don't want. How can I let him know how I feel gently?
Not Ready

Dear Not Ready,
Many young adults face your dilemma. For one thing, there is no law anywhere that says a couple, especially unmarried, have to get physical, as he says, to prove or solidify a relationship. Simply having sex does not by itself verify a relationship. What counts is the maturity of the relationship. I know that it is hard to tell your boyfriend that you are not ready, without the fear of him being hurt, but you need to let him know. If he really cares about you, he will support your decision. Sex is a verb; love is a noun. Which is more important? His reaction will tell you how he really feels about you. I wish you all the best in this situation.

I am studying in class 12 in Dharan. I recently found out that few people who I thought were my friends were spreading rumours about me. After I confronted them I was shut away from the circle for not having a sense of humour. Therefore, I tried to over look this incident and tried to work on rebuilding my friendship with them but they are unapologetic and I can't get over it. The rumour has completely spoilt my reputation in school and now no one is willing to be my friend. I am very sad and lonely and hate going to school and have gone to extreme measures to avoid it.
Rashi Gauchan

Dear Rashi,
There is not much we can do about rumours people spread about us. However, our job is to check whether it is true or not and whether we are going to let it bother us. As the saying goes, with friends like that, who needs enemies?  You need to reach out to others who will accept you as you are. We need friends from time to time, but the important thing is how we feel about ourselves,not what others think. So you need to let go of your need for others approval and get down to work on the things that really matters such as family and  studies. I hope you can find someone who will accept you as you are. Good luck!

Send your questions to : wave[at]himalmedia.com. LV Brooks, SJ has decades of experience in counselling and has worked as the guidance counsellor at St Xavier's College.