Living and learning

FROM ISSUE # 123 (March 2006) | IN THIS ISSUE
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I'm a 19-year-old girl who recently broke up with her boyfriend. There's another guy who likes me but I don't like him. I told him we could be together after some time so as not to hurt him. But I don't ever want to be with him. – Desperate Gal

Hi Desperate Gal. It is good that you are popular. No doubt, you have lots of good qualities which attract other people. Now your task is to decide, first, then let others know just what you want for yourself and how far you are willing to go. A relationship based on what someone wants of you—rather than on what you want/need for yourself—will not be very satisfying, maybe even unhealthy. Know what you want—and let others know too.

I'm a 21-year-old guy who finished plus two a year back. I don't mind telling the world that I'm gay. I want to share my story with you. I have a neighbour who is gay, twice my age and is now, happily married with three children. This guy always lured me into his house. There I was supposed to do his housework, and when no one else was around, he would take me to a separate room and … I guess you understand the rest. If I didn't do as he told, he would beat me up and threaten me. This has remained my secret for almost 15 years. Where should I go or who should I blame? I've had sex with many guys, with and without, condoms and now I suffer from STDs. I've been to several clinics and hospitals, spent thousands of rupees but to no avail. I can hardly afford medicines or checkups now. I feel like a mad dog dying slowly. I've even tried to kill myself many times. I have my responsibilities which I don't think I can handle. I feel useless. I've tried finding a job but was rejected. Not because I was gay but because I had only completed +2. Please give me a good reason to live again. – Lost and Wondering

Well, Lost and Wondering, as you know, everyone has his/her own special sexual orientation. You have discovered yours, which is good. Now the challenge is, how do you express it respectfully. Obviously, anything which is disrespectful, exploitive, etc, will not help. The point is: how can you express your orientation in a healthy way, and how can you prevent others from taking advantage in the process. As soon as someone begins to take advantage of you because of your sexual orientation, you can bet that is not healthy for you. We are what we are; then we go with it and see how we can live happily and healthily with it. You have done well in talking about it; feel free to continue to do so, especially with someone who will accept you as you are. As far as jobs go, the only way to get a good one is to qualify for it; so go for it! You know how tight the job market is these days, so you need to begin to compete, not just complain or feel sorry for yourself. You have lots to live for—if you choose to do so. No need to blame anyone or anything for your present state. Now is the time to move out—and on. Good luck!

I'm 15 years old and in love with a girl. She loves me too but doesn't come to meet me. I can't stay without seeing her. – Dr Syke_ko(Ajit)

Hey, Ajit, how did I come to know you? Obviously, because you wrote to me, right? So you communicated with me. If you can do it with me, why not with your girl?! It is simply a matter of doing, not staying silent and hoping!

I am from Hong Kong. I'm in love with this girl but don't know what she thinks of me. She loves me but does not want me to be a part of her life. We've tried to ignore each other but failed. After three to five days, she calls me again. I can't ignore her at all and need her in my life. What do I do? – Mad luv of Nanu

Well, Mad Luv of Nanu, sounds as if you are coming on pretty hard, doesn't it? The same is not the same with her. Everyone is different and not everyone will respond to us the way we would like. All we can do is to present ourselves to the other and hope that the other will respond positively. Sometimes they do, sometimes not. We can't force anyone to like or love us; we can only make ourselves ready for the possibility. Remember, there is a big difference between 'need' and 'want'. If I need someone, not so good. If I want someone, then I try to let the other one know; but I leave them free.

I'm 20 years old and very much in love with a girl. But she loves somebody else. She is so beautiful that I can't stop thinking of her. She's riled at me and has fought three times. How can I win her over? – sUmAn

sUmAn, she must be quite a beauty if she keeps you awake at night! It is not a question of getting anyone back but finding out what she wants, too. You are aware of what you want but equally important is what she wants. She will be your sweetheart only if she wants it.

I study in Narayangarh in grade 10. I'm in love with a girl in my class. We have been friends for a year. She came to know I love her and asked why I hadn't proposed. I don't know how to propose. –916

Hey, 916 (is that a name?!). It is up to you if/when you want to let the girl know what you feel—but you have to leave her free to respond. She does not have to like you just because you like her! But if you do 'propose' to her, do it from your side—and let her decide for herself.

I'm 24 and far away from home. I left for higher education. Two years ago, I was in a relationship but because of our caste differences, she ended it. We have remained friends but I want more. – AND

Well, AND, you know well that in our society caste does play a part in relationships, for better or worse. There is a long history behind this practice. If the girl decides to go along with her family and society, then you are stuck. Your love and concern for her may still remain but that is as far as it can go. Probably, if you really care for her, you will be free enough for her to make her own decision, even though you may not agree or like it. Who knows, she may feel the same but has decided to go with society.

I'm in love with a girl but I met my ex-girlfriend recently and want to break up with my present girlfriend. Help! – Lonely Boy

Dear Lonely, making—and breaking—any kind of relationship is never that much fun. Just remember that a relationship involves two people, not just one; otherwise, it is not really a relationship.

I met a very sexy girl and I'm nearly sure she's interested in me but not totally sure. The big step here is when is the right time to ask her on a date? She's 18 and a girl who doesn't go out much. What's the best way to impress her? Do you think there's a certain place to take her to that she'll surely like? – DEFSOUL73

Well, DEFSOUL73, of course, the best way to 'impress' a girl—or boy—is to be yourself. Any mature girl will be attracted to a boy who is genuine and happy with himself. They are eventually turned off by fluff (bragging, showing off, muscles, performances, etc). Then, once the interest is there, you can do healthy, harmless things together. It's amazing how close you can become by doing ordinary things together. Good luck!

I broke up because my boyfriend accused me of having an affair with another guy. I told him it was a big misunderstanding but he didn't listen. Now, he's apologised and wants to get back. I'm confused as I don't know if I should trust him. – Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl, it is up to you, first, to decide whether/how much to trust a boy. We all make mistakes, of course, but we can also decide what to do about it after that. If you can decide what to do according to what is good for you, first, then you will probably make a good decision. Any choice made by force will probably not be a good one.

I like this girl in my class who is a good friend too. I'm afraid that proposing might end our friendship. Help! – DOUBLE S

Well, DOUBLE S, you are right; if you come on too soon or too strong, you may mess it up; so look for an appropriate way and occasion; don't be afraid to try, and don't be afraid to fail! We don't always get it right!

Both of us want to be engineers. She's studying architecture and I'm studying electronics. How can I befriend her? – Abhinay

Abhinay, there is no way in the world to 'make' a friend ("be my friend or I will break your arm"). We can be or become a friend, but that also depends upon the other, too. A one-sided relationship eventually goes nowhere. As you know, there are all kinds of ways, verbal and non-verbal, to communicate. The clearer, the better. Watch a Hindi film once and see how they do it!

Good luck to all of you, as we face the uncertainties lying ahead of us.