Walkin away

by SHABD A SHARMA

FROM ISSUE # 127 (July 2006) | IN THIS ISSUE
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PRATEEK RAJBHANDARI

One moment can change your life; one incident can shake the ground beneath your feet. I learnt this the hard way.

I was in love but since it was unrequited, I settled for a platonic relationship and never told her how I felt. Our friendship had its ups and downs. Everybody knew but none suspected the extent of my emotions. All was ordinary until last month.

She looked upset, like she had been crying all night. She didn't smile when she asked how I was. She said she was shocked. When I asked her why, she didn't answer, instead asked if I could solve her problems. Before I could say a word, she walked away.

I was genuinely concerned. Wondering if it was a mood swing, I sent her an SMS joke about why women were so difficult to understand. She didn't respond. She didn't talk or look at me. I was starting to get alarmed but didn't want to pry, no matter how much I loved her. There are some things that cannot be shared and I figured this must be one of them.

She left the office without saying goodbye. An hour later, I left too, a bit angry with her for not trusting me but still worried. I sent her another SMS asking her why she didn't trust me enough, either she should have told me everything or not said a word. I apologised for not being able to fix her problems. She didn't reply.

I hoped things would be fine the next day. But we didn't exchange a word. Another day went by waiting for her to talk to me. She came, her face was sad. Thinking something terrible had happened, I asked how she was. She said "fine" without looking up. Clearly, she didn't want to talk to me so I left.

The third day, she shed some of her inhibitions and was talking and laughing with others. Still she didn't talk to me or wave goodbye before leaving. These things might seem trivial but they had made my day for four years. I told myself I shouldn't worry if she didn't care for me. But that night I called her. I asked her the questions that had been plaguing me. She said there was nothing to talk about, that I was reading too much into it.

Should I leave her alone? I couldn't understand the cold shoulder she doled out. I prayed. She avoided me that day too until I cornered her. She accused me of pestering her but what was I supposed to do? She looked so sad. She said she was having mood swings, that she had the right to indulge in them. "It's my life, I don't have to answer to anybody," she said vehemently and walked away.

That's the response I got for all my concern. I resolved to not say a word unless she asks. A month has passed by and we have not talked to each other. I still love her but things between us will never be the same.